It's weird.

Sometimes I'm so lonely I feel like I could just...sleep forever and no one would notice. Sometimes I want so badly to be able to have someone to compare to the moon and the stars, someone I could hear and feel as I fall asleep. I liked that. I really liked that.

And yet...

There's this girl, okay? We're not together. We've gone on a few dates, gone out to a gay club together, sang karaoke together, eaten dinner together, gotten hair cuts together. Hell. I've seen her more times than I ever saw Kyrie, all throughout our relationship. You know? She's a good friend. I like her. She certainly seems to like me.

I just. ...I can't. For some reason, I can't develop feelings for her. There's no...chemistry. No spark. She's sweet, a great girl, you know? Really pretty. I could very easily just turn on my charms and try to make it something else if I wanted, I think. We have a mutual friend, who referred to her as my girlfriend -- but even though we've done a hell of a lot together, hung out for days and hours at a time, we've never kissed. I've never felt the urge to wrap my arms around her and hold her close.

I'm...confused right now. I think that I feel feelings for someone. For the first time in ages. But it's not for her. It's not for the easy one, of course...I always have to feel these kinds of feelings for someone close to me, don't I? I'm frustrated because I don't want to make any more of my friendships into something it's really not. I don't want to lose another friend over my silly little notions of romantic interest.

I've...felt it before, that's the thing. And it bothers me. Intensely. I have been thinking this over and over in my head, and nothing seems to make sense.

At least I know I can feel this way again. There's something remarkable about this little feeling in my chest, the way my stomach leaps into my throat. Still, I'm not about to ruin anything else over something.

I can hold back. It's going to be okay. And I'll make sure I'll hold back, this time.

Took a little break in writing. I have tomorrow off. Happy days!

I bought paid time and icons for jimtiberiuskirk. I think that's probably an indication of how much I love this fandom. Yeah. Never once bought paid time or anything for any of my PoT characters D: Wat. But I'm using that journal for more than just startrekxirpg now I think...who knows. XDD Definitely for comment spam, at least?

My days and nights are all odd again.

Have been playing lots of Loveless with Becca. :D That's a nice muse I haven't used in a while. Oh, Ritsuka. ♥

Also --- I watched The Star Trek Motion Picture and Doom the last couple of days with Heide. SO AWESOME TO HAVE A PERSON TO FANGIRL WITH IN REAL LIFE. We wibbled over Karl Urban and little moments between Kirk and Spock and McCoy. How many times can you tell men in your life that you need them?

*sigh* I am going to try and sleep now <3333333333

startrekbigbangstartrekbigbangstartrekbigbang

I signed on as an artist. Whoo boy.

Title: Solitary Confinement(2/?)
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R for graphic descriptions of sexualized violence.
Summary/Prompt: From st_xi_kink; AU. Jim and Bones meet in an insane asylum. Make them really fucked-up mentally, plskthx.
Follows Chapter One

( He stares at Jim just a little too long. )

Title: Solitary Confinement
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG-13 as thus far for language and general creepiness
Summary/Prompt: From st_xi_kink; AU. Jim and Bones meet in an insane asylum. Make them really fucked-up mentally, plskthx.
To be continued?

( He first laid eyes on Jim Kirk a day after he'd arrived. )

1. Sick.

I swear. Something has to happen in my body when I go through something emotionally stressful like a few nights ago. My voice is shot. My throat is sore, and I keep coughing. I haven't been this sick in a while. And being sick usually means crazy whacked-out nyquil induced dreams.

2. RP.

startrekxirpg has been going strong. I've also been playing a little for pot_university...again. I missed my Ohtori muse there...

3. Work.

I'm on my 5th day in a row, 6 more days ahead. The hours are nice, but I'm regretting taking all these shifts this weekend.

4. Everything else.

I'm tired and I want to stay in bed all day.
The end.

I am a horrible human being.

Things have been rather tough for me recently.

I'm kind of on the verge of being kicked out of my house again. I had a birthday, turning twenty-one is a milestone in which my father believes I should be out of my house, living on my own, and I suppose pregnant like my mother was when she was twenty-one. It's somewhat disconcerting, to be honest -- I'm so, so thankful for him being gone this week. Not a day has gone by since we've returned to Texas that he hasn't set out to make me feel like a worthless pathetic piece of shit in his efforts to make me move out on my own.

I'm thinking very hard about my situation. On one hand, I've done it before -- it's possible for me to move out again, but very difficult in the same breath considering that I don't have the resources necessary to be on my own. I would have to get a second job in order to afford my own place, which -- would give me the resources, but would completely rule out school next semester. I hadn't planned for this to come so soon, so I'm definitely unprepared.

But these sort of challenges are usually blessings in disguise. I'm fairly certain most of this is not to get me to move out, but rather to stand up and take some responsibility. Ever since February, I've been depressed and closeting myself inside my room, or going out with friends to keep me from thinking too terribly hard. I've been rather absent from sight, and haven't done hardly a thing to help around the house save for cleaning up after the things I leave out.

As such -- I'm attempting to show that I'm willing to compromise, willing to try. I've been cleaning this house from top to bottom. Doing what I can to rectify things. I'm tired, my hands hurt from the bleach, and I keep exhausting myself from waking up early to finish all the housework before my mother gets home. I'm just aching from all of this, looking for rooms to rent on Craigslist, wondering what I can do.

That being said, I'm doing my best to stay positive and obsessing mildly over Star Trek still.

It...feels so good to have people speak to me in English...*w*;;

I'm at the airport at the moment -- we've got a five hour layover before we go back to DFW. Not so bad. I'm using my Dad's micro-laptop, which is incredibly cute, but somewhat hard to use. I wouldn't really want to use it on a regular basis, in any case.

My trip -- oh, where to begin. It was beautiful. It was amazing. And getting to see Shroud again, getting to spend time with her -- that was just what I needed. It's been a long long time since I've been this comfortable and content with life. It...yes. I'm very, very happy at the moment. ♥ It's going to be kind of amusing going back to work, going back to the USA and making cappucinos for everyone else. x) I love it.

We took a lot of pictures, so hopefully I'll have those up eventually!

I've got just a little bit of time...waiting for Shroudikins to contact me so that she knows we can meet at Moka near platform 24, so I guess that's that.

I'm having a wonderful time -- probably the biggest case of culture shock I've ever had, certainly. One of my biggest fears(and probably why I'm never making it to Japan for very long) is being alone in a place where no one understands me or can help me at all whatsoever. So I've sort of been clinging to my parents and little brother for conversation, not really talking much to other people beyond saying 'excuse me' and 'thank you' in Italian.

My birthday didn't really feel like a birthday, but I guess that's what happens when you sleep for eight hours to try and get past jet lag. My feet are blistered, which sucks for trying to get around, and my asthma is horrible here. :D But c'est la vie.

I keep speaking Italian with a French accent.

I can't really think of anything else to say. Other than wine is delicious. :DD I've been drinking a lot with dinner now that I'm 21. I'm also a pansy when it comes to alcohol -- both times I've left dinner, I've left it just a bit woozy. Fun times. XD

I've been writing. :DDD
For the st_xi_kink meme, of course.

Soooo figured I might as well de-anon myself. >_> At least in this journal. Ahaha. Just a warning -- I like kink? So....so yeah.

( The Russians Inwented Rimming, You Know. (Sulu/Chekov, NC17 -- prompt; rimming) )

( On The Bridge. (Kirk/Spock, NC-17, kink: exhibitionism, public) )

( The Four Times They Did It Hard, and the One Time They Didn't. (Kirk/Spock, NC-17, kink: rough/angry sex, dub-consent) )

SO YEAH NOW YOU KNOW WHERE ALL MY TIME HAS GONE. *coughs* Ahem.

I may or may not post tomorrow, but -- if I don't, I will be gone for an entire week starting Friday. I'm going to Rome, Italy and meeting up with sinshroud. Also, I'm turning 21 on Saturday. :"> Busy times ahead.

I just slept for the greater part of ten hours, after falling asleep at eleven in the evening last night.

Just odd, cause I was awake this time yesterday too. On the other end. XD I'd had about three hours yesterday, so it makes sense why my body just kind of decided to crash. Wheee!

HELLO to everyone that I've just met, via the ST Kink Friending Meme. :D Even if there are about...four of you, maybe? XD Also, hi to some of the people I've met via my new RP.

Which by the way is shaping out to be the most awesome ever, or something. I'm not quite awake yet enough to use proper ways to describe it. But almost everyone's taken already -- and I just made it yesterday. And. All we need is a Sulu. I don't know why Sulu's not taken yet. Sulu's the shit. Like. Seriously.

And...it's small, and close-knit, and everything that isn't my stupid Hyotei RP that never is seeming to get off the ground. *hides* Then again, though, there's kind of the whole -- factor of new-fandoms vs old-fandoms? Or maybe I just need to talk to people outside my friend's list. XD I'll just have to pick at it a little.

I'm so tired. XDDD I know I don't really need any more sleep, but my brain has yet to wake up. Guess it's time to hit the coffee pot.

Okay. I know my levels of geekdom have gone up immensely lately. I used the word erudite today at work and was looked at strangely.

I think I need this, though. Or the Pon Farr one. I think this is kind of either the worst or the best thing I have ever seen, and I'm not sure which yet.

Seriously. My birthday is next Saturday.

You know you want to buy me freaking STAR TREK COLOGNE. YOU KNOW YOU DO.

This is ridiculous.

I deposited my check into my bank account late Tuesday night. It was around three in the morning. Now -- I understand on the weekends, that sort of thing takes a while to process, which is why I hadn't deposited anything until Tuesday night, when I got off of work. The receipt I had said that I had an available balance of 70-some-odd dollars. Not a lot, but enough. I finished the transaction and everything.

My car note came out the next day. Which, I had at least 400 -- my car note was around 200, and I knew that. It would make sense if the $200 charge on a $70 dollar account balance caused at least one overdraft fee. But that went through without a hitch.

Instead, I received TWO overdraft fees on purchases made throughout the week. One on Sunday afternoon, but it had gone through on Wednesday. And then another, Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

It even says on my account that they came after I had made my deposit.

So now I'm switching banks, cause my bank's a dumbass.

Also, A-kon was this weekend. Weird. :o
Also, also...I have been reading the Star Trek Kink Meme for about three days straight now. For a fandom I once boggled at being able to logically make the bastards like each other, there sure are a lot of amazing fics there. :DDDD
Also, also, also -- I've actually been RPing things other than Star Trek. I get to work on my Yukimura muse. :> This makes me happy.

Want more Star Trek RP, though. It's nice getting to read other fan stuff -- I gotta admit I've got a soft spot now for Bones/Chekov. :| Which is weird but SO damn appealing. And Sulu/Chekov is grand. So is Uhura/Gaila. :DDD And....and...Spock/Uhura. And Spock/Kirk/Uhura. And Kirk/Spock/Bones. And...oh damn. I think this fandom is just what I needed, I haven't been this excited since ...since...well, I don't know! <3 I just love it.

Digitally, at least. Pretty sad, huh?

( Y'know, for a pointy-eared bastard, y'got a pretty nice ass. )

So -- apparently Vulcans are deeply, deeply affected by chocolate. The whole sensory perception of falling in love is enough to inebriate them, cause them to act drunk, etc. I kind of sent out on this picture to make that happen but -- then Kirk kind of made some snarky comment about why the hell anyone would get drunk off of chocolate, and said he could take his whiskey like a real man. :|

Which...drunken Kirk amuses me. It's obvious he's a little slime ball at least from the first scene we see him with Uhura. The idea of him attempting to put his moves on his first officer in such a manner amuses the hell out of me. :D Don't know why Spock seems to be helping him in this one -- I think the illogicality of the ramblings of a drunken Jim Kirk would be enough to make his brain explode.

Sometimes, I like to fancy myself unsquickable. I'll feel a little queasy on some things -- anything to do with bodily excretions normally is one that I avoid. But I've seen it all, you know? There's nothing that shocks me.

..yet I just squicked myself. I guess -- this is why I'm gay. I wanted to draw Kirk/Spock, and practice my male anatomy. So what do I do? I search 'gay porn' on google and use a picture for a reference. Make sure I have the musculature down, make certain that I don't make them too curvy or too feminine.

....well, they aren't curvy or feminine. :\

( And they're very porny. )

The new items on Gaia have Star Trek cosplay. :| I'm trying to tell myself that it's foolish to spend ten dollars every week on pixels.

Even if there is a very possible chance that I could -- you know. Get a whole bunch and....and...

*weeps*

I want.

BY THE WAY
THIS is a wonderful, amazing little thing. If there's anything hotter than a Spock/Kirk/Uhura threesome, I don't know what it is. I really should be using my OT3 icon, but I think Uhura chest is both necessary and relevant to maintaining peak interest in the aforementioned smutfic. :| Come on. ♥

Also, I wanna go to Fanime next year, I think. I miss Melly. :X And Gracie, and Joanie, and...and...and yeah. Here's hoping I won't be so emotionally invested in such things next time and I'll be able to attend. ♥

( 'It means you've got a talented tongue.' )

Mmm, Uhura.
Also, I used a different art program since I was angry at Seashore for going PHLBBBT at me earlier. :) I drew this using ArtRage -- which is actually really nifty! I ended up buying the program, since it wasn't too terribly expensive. I love the marker techniques I can use. It's still a little bit difficult, and I miss my zoom option.

I was supposed to go to bed hours ago. I seriously signed off of adium and everything. :|

I've been playing Star Trek with Liiiiii mooooore and it's awesome. Creating our own plots and characters and everything. :D I'm also hungry :| but instead, I'm going to bed.

Edit: Or, you know, I could spend an hour and a half creating both a Star Trek layout and a profile. :\

I was working on a Kirk/Spock picture when my Seashore decided to blow up in my face. WHAT THE HELL MAC. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AWESOME AND KEEP THESE THINGS FROM HAPPENING.

Despite that -- some amazing things have happened over the past few days. That whole matter I was angry about a few days ago seems to have been resolved entirely, and I'm very happy that no grudges really remain.

PLUS LI AND I RP'D KIRKSPOCK. ...or just, y'know. Star Trek in general so far. Her Spock equals awesome. And. And. And CHEKOV. And, yeah, so I 'm just a bit excited. I've been watching the original series now -- up to episode 13 today. ♥

STAR TREK ISSOCOOL.